In Croydon, Ealing, Clapham and Brixton sex toy store windows were smashed wide open as hoards of horny teens stormed the shops and grabbed armfuls of vibrators, dildos and sex toys. Then heading to the dark alleyways to satisfy their cravings.

Detective Inspector Dick Reeves of the Metropolitan Police was quoted “this has been a long time coming. We have been waiting for the tinderbox of sexual hormones to go wild for weeks. All we can do is stand back and watch the nympho teens go at it like wild animals.”

A mass clean up operation of used condoms, tissues and pornagraphic material is being organised for the city from today. Police have urged repressed and sexually inactive people to avoid the streets after 6pm this evening.

On valentines day this year (2011) Maria Griffin from California married her truck after claiming that men left her unsatisfied. “Our sex life is amazing”, she said. Their love was consummated three times on the wedding night. Sending shock waves around the world the message obviously beat a path straight to our very own beloved living plastic doll Jordan.

Never one to miss a potential PR opportunity, serial man eater Jordan AKA Katie Price has just announced her plans for marital bliss with Jason, her blow-up male doll. The notorious party girl has eaten her way through countless relationships, including two marriages which she claims have all failed to leave her satisfied.

Katie’s high profile reality TV marriage to Peter Andre ended in a bitter custody battle over rights to their lucrative money spinning reality show: “I just want to be left alone outside of the public glare to fix my broken heart” quoted katie to her reality show camera crew at the time.

After a string of failed relationships and Katie’s quickie marriage, to male lump of muscle Alex Reid, left the failed Pop songstress cold, she has turned to the inanimate man doll made out of plastic. Clinical psychologist Dr Brian Cocks explained that “Objectum sexuality is when women manifest their unfulfilled lust onto inanimate objects. They may have a desire to be more in control of their life or relationship and prefer the company of an object that can be manipulated and doesn’t talk back.” An obvious choice after her marriage to the outspoken Mr Reid.

For lavish nuptial number three Katie is planning a lavish wedding and is expected to be dressed as a giant pink swan. “My groom and I request that you respect our privacy at this intimate time” said Katie in her latest press release. Her manager also released a statement saying that “The ceremony can be followed live via the jordan.com website (payperview) and OK magazine will be exclusively covering the full day with a special pull-out souvenir edition, pre-order your copy at Jordan.com”. I’m not sure if anybody will be able to tell the difference between groom number 3 and number 2.

Titmuss appeared at a press conference earlier to announce her new role which she described as ‘challenging’ and ‘a career move’. The sexy former nurse, who is no stranger to suffering, is keen to get started in her new role easing the nations withdrawal pain. “Being a survivor of the end of my FHM contact I know only too well how much a person can suffer through the media.”

Titmuss said “If I can reach out and help the masses  and fill their desperate need with my personal stories of sex parties and drugs then pass me a phone now.”

The new phone line is currently being installed in a purpose built glass cube in Trafalga Square. The former glam girl will be on full view to the public taking calls from 9 till 4, monday to friday, answer machine messages can be left for call back. Miss Titmuss is expected to be wearing a bikini.

Miss Titmuss has been no stranger to suffering in her own personal life with stories of her addictions to chat lines and marmite being regular features on the front pages which helped flog many copies of The Star and The News Of The World over the years.

Miss Titmuss’s PR representative said this was a totally selfless act of a caring individual who wants to give back to the grieving community. “Titmuss will also get her baps out for any papers that want to cover the story front page, or do a lads mag full frontal for a six figure fee, please call my cell phone and leave a message.” he said.

Home Secretary Theresa May declared yesterday that she wants to get to the heart of the problems in society today by bringing families back together. May believes that the use of sex toys between married couples will keep men happy with their wives and make them less likely to stray, keeping the family unit together. Giving sex toys for wedding presents should be actively promoted for the sake of Britain’s future.

Theresa has long believed that going back to traditional family values would solve many problems in the UK and that Women should take a backseat role and be more supportive to their husbands. “I am all for women staying at home and being proper wives to their husbands” says May “If we all put a bit more effort into wearing lipstick, looking attractive and being ready and willing to satisfy our Husbands sexual needs we can get the country back on track.”

In a controversial move May has approached opposing Party member Jacqui Smith in a bid to bring the Parties together on such a serious Home issue. Blair Babe Smith is earmarked to head up a new team campaigning for the traditional stay at home wife and advise on how she should stop her husband from staying the nest. Smith as specially selected for her exemplary marriage of 30 years. Smith also has the belief that women shouldn’t take prominent roles in business as it will not leave enough time to visit the hairdressers or cook dinner.

A leaflet is currently in production to be distributed to every couple registering to tie the knot from September 2011. The leaflet title “Save your marriage with sex toys” will contain detailed explanations on how to use couples cock rings, strap-ons and erotic fantasy dress-up outfits. It is believed the use of vibrators is not to be promoted as they might encourage women to be sexually active without their husbands.

Above: The new recommended housework uniform to keep husbands at home

• Do you have any raisins? How about a date?
• If I had one chance to rearrange the alphabet, I would put U and I together.
• Do you have a map? Because I keep getting lost in your eyes.
• Were you arrested earlier? It’s got to be illegal to look that good?
• I must be lost. I thought paradise was further south?
• I hope you know CPR because you take my breath away.
• I lost my phone number, can I borrow yours?
• Hi, the voices in my head told me to come talk to you.
• There is something wrong with my mobile phone. It doesn’t seem to have your number in it.
• Are you accepting applications for your fan club?
• Do you have 20 pence? I told my mum I’d call her when I fell in love.
• Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I?
• Are you free tonight, or will it cost me?
• I’ve just received government funding for a four-hour expedition to find your G-spot.
• I may not be the best looking guy here, but I’m the only one talking to you.
• How was heaven when you left?
• Hi, I just wanted to give you the satisfaction of turning me down; go ahead say no.
• Is it hot in here or is it you?
• Do you know the essential difference between sex and conversation? (No.) Do you wanna go upstairs and talk.
• I miss my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
• I’m a great swimmer can I demonstrate the breast stroke.
• Hi, I’m Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.
• Do you believe in love at first sight, or do i have to walk past again?
• When God made you he was showing off.
• How much does a polar bear weigh? Well it’s enough to break the ice. Hi, my name is James.

What would you buy if you were a one time Pop Princess and had more money than you could spend? Luxury yachts, fast cars, small dog on a cushion? Oh yes I nearly forgot, a room devoted to deviant pleasure chocked full of sex toys – isn’t that on the list?

Apparently Britney Spears has a room in her luxury mansion in Mulholland drive which is stuffed full of sex toys. Whips, handcuffs, spanking paddles and fantasy outfits are just some of the items reported by eCanadaNow that the singer has in her pleasure room.

Britney is reported as being “sexually obsessed”!

I’m sure that Britney would look great in one of our Kinky dress up outfits and as the superstar likes a little bondage then we would recommend  a Leather Whip to complete the outfit. In fact I can see her wearing this in her next video!

Believe it or not this is actually TRUE! We loved the story so much we didn’t want to change a thing.